My Inner Demon

I have a demon inside me. I'm not talking possession or the hearing of voices necessitating anti-psychotics and electro-convulsive therapy. We've all got at least one demon- that voice hitchhiking in our mind, commenting on our thoughts. It can be loud or soft as a whisper, but it's almost always derisive. It puts down. It judges. It tears down- others, or maybe ourselves. It's the shadow of our personality, the thing we fight. My personal demon is named "Snark". She is the most intelligent, well-informed person in the room, and she knows it. She judges a person's clothing, their words, their etiquette, their posture. She comments on my own inner commentary. She wrestles with arguments in my head that I finished in the real world hours, days (sometimes years) ago. She says the rude things in my mind that I keep firmly clamped behind my smile. Though dangerous and in need of being kept in check, she can sometimes be funny. Plus, she allows me to get rid of the vitriol inside without unleashing it upon anyone. Today's conversation with Snark went thusly: A couple of tiny teen hipster girls standing nearby snicker about my weight and how poorly my clothing fits. So, Snark says to them, "Why, yes. I do have a little extra weight on me right now. I recently brought a new life into the world, thank you for noticing. Since I previously wore mostly children's sizes, I am still in my maternity clothes. However, I always feel moved to help those in need and it looks as if someone stole your pants and left you nothing but a big shirt! Bless your heart! Here's $20. I know it won't be enough to buy a new pair of skinny mint jeggings from whatever prosti-tot outlet you usually frequent, but it should cover a copy of Emily Post's book on Manners." Thankfully, I ignored Snark and waited on my take-out in peace.

Quick Update

Haven't written for a while. We got back from our trip home safely; it went very well. My son got to meet my grannie, my mamaw, my step-grandmother, my god family, and one of the first people to welcome me into this world, along with his aunt (my sister). Since then, we've been struggling to get things back in order, get caught up. Get the car inspected and all that. The daily grind.

Barefoot, No Longer Pregnant

I didn't believe them. I had heard the rumors that your foot will grow with every pregnancy, but I thought it was an old wive's tale. How foolish. Then, I got pregnant. Very pregnant. By the time I was 8 months along, my feet had been bathed in relaxin and expected to bear twice their normal weight. By the time I had Tobias, none of my regular shoes would fit- I had gone from a size 7 to size 11. I bought a pair of cheap clogs, a pair of Croc jelly flats, and was gifted a very large comfy pair of ugg-style boots. However, since I was put on bed rest at 7 months, I spent most of my time barefoot. Tos is now 3 months and I've got a confession to make. I've been waiting for my feet to shrink back down. I've had most of my shoes since late middle school, and I'm not willing to part with them. There's a pair of beaten-up big black combat boots of which I'm particularly fond. The other day, we went to the theater and I couldn't make it two blocks in my too-tiny heels; I stomped barefoot and well-dressed across campus to the auditorium. Also, shoes are expensive. I don't have the money to replace even a small part of my collection. Not only that, but I'm hoping that between the gluten-free food dissolving some of the inflammation and losing weight, they'll shrink more. I've been flopping around in my pregnancy shoes and even doing my tai qi barefoot on the back patio. No more- for my birthday, I bought myself a pair of pretty awesome cross-trainers. However, there's been an unforeseen downside to this. Wearing shoes like a civilized person has left my feet and ankles in agony. It makes me wonder at my father's family, going bare food for whole seasons of their lives. Does this represent a realignment of our souls to suit social propriety? If so, should I be trying to rework my misanthropic, post-pregnancy self into someone that can go back into the world? Isn't something like that necessary?

Gluten-Free Product Review #2

Time for my next update on attempting to go gluten-free. The first product is: Amy's Gluten-Free Rice Crust Pizza I got three different pizzas to try out... Wonder what the cashier thought with us getting so much junk food? Either way; I love Amy's food. I've been a fan of their bean and cheese burritos for a long time. This was rather disappointing. The crust as spongy and not crumbly (which I gather is a problem with non gluten products), but it was bland. It was so bland that I might as well have been eating plain toast. In the end, I added some garlic powder and seasonings with shredded cheese and it wasn't bad. If we wanted to create our own pizza and not bother putting sauce and cheese on the crust, it would be a good arrangement. Hopefully the others will be better. The second product is: Glutino's Chocolate Covered Pretzels. Justin brought me some of these as a surprise the other day. Since the crackers were so good, I expected quite a bit and they didn't disappoint. The pretzels were slightly hard, but the mixture of chocolate and salty pretzel was perfect. I will definitely keep getting these.

Stacking Stones; A meditative practice

Do you have difficulty with sitting meditation? The benefits of meditation are touted far and wide, but many people find it difficult to sit and clear their minds. There are alternate sitting meditations, which I will cover further in later posts, but contrary to popular belief traditional seated meditation may not be the most beneficial. In others posts, I will cover not only different forms of meditations but will explain the four dignities. Nontraditional sitting meditations can be beneficial for those that find their mind wandering too far during silent meditation. Some of the less traditional forms of still meditation include miksang, calligraphy, and stacking stones. I took up stacking stones because I find it a much easier to clear my head when I'm not specifically attempting to clear my head. Rock stacking can be done with minimal monetary investment... all you need to do is find some rocks. Many people stack river rocks, because they are both visually appealing and more difficult to stack, being round. The water flowing over the stones causes them to wear smooth; an interesting visual metaphor. Other popular places to stack are on rocky beachesand in the garden. If you live, as I did until recently, in an urban or apartment environment... you can still engage in this activity. For many years, I kept an empty planting pot in my room ant later on my porch, filled with rocks for stacking. It allowed me to keep my rocks in a living area so that I did not forget to use them, and kept them neat. Since it would have been almost impossible to obtain stones when I first began, I purchased some medium-sized ornamental stones of the type used in flower arrangements and empty jars. These can be found at any craft store. How to go about this? locate a flat surface. Slowly balance one stone upon another until you have an artfully structured arrangement. It's simple, but challenging.

Gluten-Free Product Review #1

I've been painfully cutting gluten out of my diet. I tried some regular pizza the other day and the next morning I felt horrid. I was bloated and exhausted and anxious with a stuffy nose and cloudy mind. So, no more. Since it appears to be a change I'm going to have to get used to, I grabbed some gluten-free groceries from whole foods. So the first: Glutinos Glutan-Free Crackers, Original flavor. Not bad. I had some this morning with some crunchy peanut butter and couldn't tell the difference. The taste is bland enough to be a good vehicle for other foods (peanut butter, cheese, etc) but I wouldn't want to eat them alone. The main difference was the texture. It wasn't noticeable while I was eating them, but the last bite was a bit... hard. They weren't crumbly but the grain was harder than wheat crackers. The second product is Udi's Whole Grain Bread. I was nervous about this, because bread is one of those foods that can't be camouflaged. This bread, however, was pretty good even compared to the normal stuff. It wasn't crumbly and it was a little bit sweet just like whole wheat. I toasted it and had a bit with some marion blackberry preserves- it was delicious and rather filling. Overall, both of these products appear to be great alternatives to my Town Houses and HoneyWheat.

Modesty & Fashion

Being a religious studies major and an observer of religious lifestyles, this is not the first time I've considered the issue of personal modesty. Those that know me may be surprised to know that there have been time in my life when I've very strictly monitored what I wore and am contemplating doing so again. When I was in late middle school and high school, my mother wanted me to dress a very specific way and it was not one of modesty. My mother wanted me to wear abercrombie and fitch, holister, and similar brands known for their skin-revealing clothing. The years of my high school were the ones which saw the rise and fall of the peek-a-boo thong, during which underwear were specifically designed to be worn over the waistband of one's jeans. I may have been clad in big ole boots and black fishnet (under a short sleeved shirt), but even I felt the impropriety was ludicrous. For a time in college I wore long skirts and head coverings, trying to feel-out my specific beliefs on modesty and to see how my dress impacted the behavior of others. That said, here is where I currently stand on modesty in dress: 1. Wear things in which you are comfortable. I'm not talking about physical comfort (though that should also be a consideration!). Wear things that fall within your moral safe zone. If you have Biblically held beliefs and you feel the correct mode of dress is long skirts and a head covering with no make-up; wear that. If you feel you're modest in cap sleeves and shorts that go halfway down the thigh, rock it. If you feel that the human body is sacred and feel comfortable showing yours off, wear that bikini. Because: 2. It's not what you wear, it's how you wear it. What is important is the intention with which you garb yourself. I have seen women in long sleeves and a long dress shimmy their way along, drawing desirous gazes from men and women alike. I've seen people completely unrobed that are so pure in their hearts that it was as if original sin had never been imagined. There are plenty of "modesty" clothes with sequins across the bust or lines drawing attention to the figure. If you are sincere in your intentions, then however you dress is going to be secondary. Why bother with the outward forms if you're working around them? It's how you move, how you speak, how you interact with others, and how you think. Which brings me to: 3. You are not in charge of what others think. I've heard a lot of people in the modesty movement talking about using modest dress as a way to help others not stumble. If you personally and honestly feel that the way you dress is about showing respect to others, then cling to that. However, if you are wondering if what you wear may cause members of the opposite (or same) sex to have impure thoughts, you need to understand that we are all in charge of our own thoughts. If we see something that arouses us, it is up to each individual to control what direction his or her own train of thought runs. Shaming (mostly) women by telling them that they are leading their brothers and sisters to sin by the way they dress ignores the fact that what a person thinks is between them and god.. if a person cannot be held accountable for the decisions they make in privacy in their own heads, then what can people be held accountable for doing? So then, it is not what is on the body that dictates modesty, it's what is in the heart.