The Other Side of the Looking Glass

This may sound self-congratulatory... but it isn't meant that way. It came as quite a shock to me that some people don't understand their privilege. Even my own privilege. I suppose, growing up in an impoverished area with parents that would fit comfortably in the nouveau riche category, it was sort of inevitable that I would notice disparity early on in life. It seems very odd to me that anyone would reach adulthood thinking, despite being part of the Captain Planet generation, we were all equal. Yes, we were told we were equal but all it took was watching how people interacted to stir away that calm like muddying a still stream. So when I state how things have occurred in my life, I am always surprised when someone says, "Well.. that's not how it was for me." Of course that isn't how it was for you. Even identical twins don't make it through life having the same experiences, why would two different people from widely different backgrounds? Growing up as I did, in a household where I was the odd sheep, it never occurred to me to think that others would ever hear someones' story and try to block out that story with their own. It seemed the best way to get to the truth was to lay out all the stories and stitch them together, then step back and look at the whole to see the picture made.

My most recent run-in with this has been having gained weight. Compared to disparities such as race, gender, or class, this does seem a minor difference... but it has opened my eyes in a way I never imagined. I, like most people initially gifted with an over-active thyroid, assumed that weight was something people would inherently notice and take quick measures to dispel. However, one's weight is something that can fluctuate so widely and quickly as to not know from one day to the next what size one wears (unless you're my husband.. then you're the same size from middle school to middle age apparently). I used to have people hate me because it seemed nothing made me gain weight, but now that I am curvy (not fat, really.. somehow, I always manage a 10-inch+ difference between hips/bust and waist.. but curvy enough to cause problems) the issues facing those over our "accepted" weight seem nearly endless. One gets laughed at while exercising, gets shade if ordering something other than salad, finds it impossible to find clothing that is both modest and comfortable. Even with the "ideal" body type, any size over a 4 is considered quite obese. (Ideal here being the touted "hourglass", which as far as I can tell has not had clothing designed to fit it since the mid-1950's.) If the average woman is a size 8 or more (and sizes are completely random thanks to vanity sizing), then it's almost impossible to have any muscle and wear anything other than athletic clothes. None of this is to say that size-ism is as terrible and over-looked in our country as racism or gender issues, education or poverty... but it is one of those privileges that one does not realize exists in truth until one experiences the opposite end of the spectrum. As for being aware of privilege, it isn't always a good thing because it can blind one to the understanding of a subjectivity in others. What seems apparent is not necessarily obvious to all... someone that has always been aware of their awkward standing on gender can have a very difficult time understanding the deeply-entrenched beliefs of someone that has never questioned their gender or the place of their gender in the world.

Winks

So, I have something of a dirty little secret. Even tomboy me cannot resist make-up. I love make-up. From the time my mom took me to the Clinique counter as a middle-schooler (unfortunately, they tended toward more pink tones at that point but the concealers helped anyway), I've been hooked. Once I began painting, it grew even worse because I realized that it was basically painting something new every morning... In high school, I started dating a guy that was a goth and realized that I already listened to a lot of the same bands, read the same books, liked the same art- I just didn't dress goth. I began to explore my fashion sense (thankfully this was before HotTopic came anywhere near where I lived) and searched high and low for pieces that expressed who I was then. I found striped stockings at a magic trick shop (yes, really), a lot of my fishnets and things from Spencers or Party City, and some of my more imaginative clothes were either thrifted or altered. I had combat boots from my middle school riot grrrl days. Given my perky, bubbly personality and the raver influences, I was a glitter goth. Mostly, it's goth but with a love of colors and obviously glitter. Once I discovered liquid eyeliner, it was on! Neither of these pictures are me, but both are similar to styles I wore: I was particularly fond of swirls, dots, and stars. These looks garnered a lot of strange questions...the most common of which was, "Is that a tattoo?" No, I did not get up and get tattoos around my eyes every morning. The second most common question was, "How did you get them so even?!" ....both questions meant I got to introduce people to liquid liner pens, which I still love. Any way, once I moved to San Francisco, I had access to a lot more resources. Back home, the nearest mall or make-up store had been 1.5+ hours away so I'd been making do with drugstore brands (nothing wrong with them.. some of them still have my favorite products). San Francisco introduced me to the make-up store to end all make-up stores: There, just past all the tourists waiting for the cable car at Powell (no, I never rode a street car unfortunately)...the SF Sephora. My partner worked in Union Square at the time so I just wandered in...awestruck and amazed. It carried over to our move to Texas, and I got my first eyeshadow palette. It was Urban Decay (which was a brand I had been in love with for years, having started out on Hard Candy and read about UD's Roach nail polish in a young adult novel growing up..)I had a few of their lovely shadows but the individual ones were rather pricey for me. I got their Ammo Palette

...which I still use. I used all of Polyester Bride and bought a pot of it because I love it as a brow highlight color (though things tend to get glittery). The glitter tends to run on me and get on everything I own. Shimmer does the same thing. People tend to flip about it, but I really don't mind it at all. Of course, it does tend to end up on people I spend a great deal of time around, but since humans don't have a great sense of smell...I like to think that I'm marking the people I love. Just kidding. I've only ever regretted one palette that I've gotten. It was the special release TrueBlood palette, and I think I convinced myself that I wore much more dark eyeshadow than I truly do....or that I would be going out more often and would do so, but being a new mom sort of put a damper on that. The colors are really lovely, they just don't suit me. I spent over a year yearning for the Naked Palette by UD. By the time I got around to getting one, they had released two more..but I did my homework and did a color-check on my forearm and went with the original. My sister has all three. I can't say I'm not jealous, but the second palette works better with her pinker complexion and blonde hair.

They also keep coming out with these fantastic, glorious colors that are not in the palettes but are brilliant nudes. I have to keep talking myself out of them; I believe one is called Stray Dog. It's one of those things where, were I not a painter and obsessed with the differences in color (Saffron and Marigold are not the same color, despite what my partner says), then I would not be nearly so tempted by all the subtle differences. Now, I face a new challenge. I'm trying to get a job and came across Too Faced's The Return of Sexy Palette. I will post a picture or two, but it doesn't do the shades justice.

Normally, I would at this point tell myself, "Hun, you've got too much make-up to even fit in your purse. You do not wear make-up everyday except for a tinted sf moisturizer. You most definitely do not need MORE eyeshadow. You just had to replace your mascara, lip liner, eyeliner, and foundation." Admittedly, the foundation bit was far past-due. However, having skin-tested it.. everything in this palette is my shade. Everything works. Everything looks beautiful. Not even everything in the Naked Palette works on me. Sometimes, when you're nervous and looking for a job and trying to balance things out... sometimes you just need something that works and makes things look beautiful. Hopefully, this will be my lucky charm, my little boost of confidence.. because I'm working really hard right now. I'm not going to go into how hard because I did not start this blog to mope or complain, but it's been a rough few months. The other things were necessities. This is going to be my little treat to myself. Hope you can keep my secret. ;0)